Past few months I've been entertaining some really weird moods and not for any valid reason, nothing weird or bad or out of the ordinary has been happening in my life. Business as usual. Nevertheless I've been feeling weird and slightly upset almost all of the time and worst of all I've been continually revisiting past and trying to make sense of it and put things into new perspective (especially some really bad things that happened about 10 years ago). I wasn't even sure why, maybe because I believe in cycles in life and 10 is nice round number and maybe I wanted to get some closure and maybe I wanted to come full circle and maybe I just liked digging through past and making myself feel weird for the sake of it? Whatever it was, I kept finding myself haunted by this strange mood, draining me of life force and making me feel stuck. Then one day, during a meditation a very specific and clear thought came into my mind:
If you want to make any significant breakthroughs you must disengage from the current narrative of your life.
Just this thought alone was a breakthrough in itself because it made me think, whoa, that makes sense! I let myself really dwell in the energy of this message, this idea of disengaging from the narrative of my life. It made me wonder what is the current narrative of my life, what is the story I'm living right now? Is it a story I wrote for myself by myself or am I somehow playing a character in someone else's story? And what's up with this word disengage? Why not just let go, or withdraw or release? When I looked up the definition of the word I find out it can be used in military terms (to order a group of soldiers to stop fighting and move away from an area) and as I read that my weird moods started to become more clear to me. I've been struggling, fighting to make sense of the narrative, of the story of the past 10 years of my life forcing myself to make sense of it and not succeeding. I've turned my mind into a battlefield and done nothing but drained myself of energy. Disengage, disengage, stop fighting.
The painting you see above was a result of me being fully immersed in the process of disengaging, of letting go of the narrative of my life, of the story line I've been stuck in. Working on it felt more like a painting meditation on the idea of disengaging and breaking away from something that was holding me back rather than just a process of working on a pretty, colorful, abstract painting. Most of my recent paintings feel like that, like painting meditations and I'm getting more and more into it almost to a point where painting is becoming more like just a process or even a tool for self discovery and self development rather than a final result. And for now I'm totally ok with that :)